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| Joke of the day....; Life support | |
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| Topic Started: Mar 8 2006, 05:06 PM (12,691 Views) | |
| Z1-Wizz | Mar 8 2006, 05:06 PM Post #1 |
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a husband and wife are discusing life support and the husband says I don't want you to allow me to be sustained by electronic devices and fed from a bottle and so the wife....................... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . grabs his remote and throws it out the window and pours his beer down the sink. 111 |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Mar 9 2006, 05:05 PM Post #2 |
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A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!" 256 |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Mar 10 2006, 05:17 PM Post #3 |
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One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red velvet jacket." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red velvet jacket, and, after donning the jacket, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red velvet jacket and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red velvet jacket before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and awaited his usual request. Captain Bravo calmly shouted, "Bring me my brown trousers!" 256 |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Mar 10 2006, 08:59 PM Post #4 |
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Monkey poo -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastid. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff". He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his ****, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first. 111 |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Mar 12 2006, 07:16 PM Post #5 |
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Johnny wanted to shag a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else... One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me shag you... but the girl said NO. Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened... She said "THE ******* USED COINS!! 111 |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Mar 15 2006, 09:22 PM Post #6 |
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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single; and I 'm Catholic too!" "OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley." He does and the Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." . . . . . . . The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party." 466 |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Mar 17 2006, 07:50 PM Post #7 |
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A blonde goes into a small electrical retailer. "I'd like that television in the window please." "Sorry madam," says the manager, "we don't serve blondes." Upset at this, the blonde leaves. She suddenly has an idea, goes home and dyes her hair brown. Back she goes to the shop. "I'd like that television in the window please." "Sorry madam," says the manager, "we don't serve blondes." Very puzzled at this, the woman leaves the shop again. Undaunted, she goes home and dyes her hair red. Back to the shop. "I'd like that television in the window please." "Sorry madam," says the manager, "we don't serve blondes." This is just too much for her. "Excuse me", she says, "how on earth did you know that I was a blonde?" "Easy", the manager replies. "We don't sell televisions - that is a microwave oven." 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Mar 20 2006, 05:11 PM Post #8 |
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Three old ladies named Jessie, Martha, and Pat were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.The man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, opened his trench coat and exposed himself. Jessie and Martha both had a stroke. But Pat, being older and feebler, bless her heart ... couldn't reach that far.... 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Mar 24 2006, 11:07 PM Post #9 |
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Embarrassing moment -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A radio station in Australia recently ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moments in listeners lives. This is one of them. "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter." 466 |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Apr 3 2006, 05:46 PM Post #10 |
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Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us." Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read..... > > > > (Get ready, its good), > > > > > > > > > > > > > NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!! 111 |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Apr 4 2006, 07:09 PM Post #11 |
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, gold and diamond. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind the door! He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound... > > > > > > > > > > > >..... > > > >..... > > > >..... > > > >..... > > > >..... > > > >..... > > > >..... > > > >...... > > > >..... > > > >..... > > > >..... > > > > ..... > > > >..... > > > >..... > > > > > > > But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.... 256 |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Apr 10 2006, 04:11 PM Post #12 |
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Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer..... In a trial, a small Southern town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy,and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. " The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you b@$t@rd$ asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."  |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Apr 12 2006, 09:26 PM Post #13 |
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The Seven Dwarfs -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers,"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns any where in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting..... "Dopey screwed a penguin!"...... "Dopey screwed a penguin!"...... 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Apr 21 2006, 05:44 PM Post #14 |
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PMT. The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!! DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: What did I do wrong? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you anything else? ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate. 13 Things PMS Stands For: 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweatpants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff........ And my favorite one... 13. Potential Murder Suspect Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings. Another thing to giggle about... My significant other, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so ! he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead..Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds. Here have some chocolate.  |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Apr 23 2006, 07:56 PM Post #15 |
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Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you." The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little from time-to-time, but not enough to live on.  |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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