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| Joke of the day....; Life support | |
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| Topic Started: Mar 8 2006, 05:06 PM (12,699 Views) | |
| Z1-Wizz | Apr 24 2006, 04:30 PM Post #16 |
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5 Corporate lessons Corporate Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Corporate Lesson 2: A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Corporate Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!"says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." ****! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." ****!He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Corporate Lesson 4: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up. Corporate Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?"replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: BullshVt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | May 1 2006, 02:33 PM Post #17 |
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politics!! A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: #1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. #2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. #3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. #4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. #5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. "Now, think about that and see if it makes sense." So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh1t." 256 |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | May 3 2006, 04:17 PM Post #18 |
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Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder manifests itself : I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I reali! ze that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough water there is still only one check in my check book I can't find the remote I can't find my glasses I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | May 4 2006, 02:09 PM Post #19 |
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A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says "OK old fart, time to retire." The old rooster replies "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL these chickens? Look at what it hass done to me. Can't you leave me with those two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says "Beat it, you are washed up and I am taking over...." The old rooster says " I tell youwhat young stud, I will race you around the Farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive use of the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs "You know you don't stand a chance old man. Just to be fair I will give you a head start" The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster is closing the gap. The farmer sees the young rooster gaing fast and grabs his shotgun. BOOM, he shoots the young rooster. Shaking his head with sadness he says " Damn, thats the third gay rooster I bought this month." The moral of this story? Don't mess with us old farts - Age, Skill, and Treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance  |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | May 5 2006, 07:01 PM Post #20 |
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A rather pedantic penguin (no I don't know what actual type, and it doesn't matter anyway) was driving his beautiful 1957 Chevvy down to Mexico.....around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, he was horrified to see his oil pressure light come on, and steam blowing back into the car Had he been overdoing the aircon? Pinfold, (for that was his name) slammed on the brakes for what it was worth, and the Chevvy finally stopped, rocking backward and forwards on its springs, as 1957 Chevvies tend to. Pinfold could hear nothing but the chirrup, chirp chirp of cicadas, and the ticking and hissing of the Chev. What to do? Half an hour later, our exhausted Antarctic ami staggers into a small town (Barstow) and locates a garage. He explains his predicament and the owner promises to pick up the car immediately; Pinfold says he will be back in an hour and asks for the nearest soda bar. In the soda bar, he gradually gets back to a normal temperature (for a penguin) with the help of lots of iced coke, and several glasses of beautiful ice cream....coke being no problemo for a penguin,(with a straw) ice cream a bit tricky without fingers & opposible thumb. On the hour, he is back in the garage, where he can't see anyone, though his Chevvy is there.....he calls out "Yo! Anyone there?" The garage guy shoots out on his roller board from under a pickup, sees Pinfold and says "Hey man, looks like you've blown a seal!" "No!No! Really! I was just eating icecream!!!!!" 256 |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | May 7 2006, 08:55 PM Post #21 |
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A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start." 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | May 8 2006, 08:20 PM Post #22 |
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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!"
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | May 9 2006, 04:03 PM Post #23 |
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Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Buford: The receptionist wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles". So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Finally the doctor arrived and did a quick glance at Buford's naked body. He said, "where do you have the shingles?" Buford said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?" 466 |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | May 12 2006, 04:04 PM Post #24 |
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There was this couple who had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent *******," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids." 256 |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | May 12 2006, 04:05 PM Post #25 |
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100-years-old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along." 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | May 18 2006, 04:03 PM Post #26 |
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I have always longed to be a designer and inventor and recently, I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented. I said, "A folding bottle." She said, "Okay. What do you call it?" "A Fottle." "What else do you have?" "A folding carton," I said "What do you call it," she asked? "A Farton," I replied. She sniggered and said, "Those are really silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of...well, almost crude." I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket. 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | May 25 2006, 04:13 PM Post #27 |
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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast? |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | May 28 2006, 07:35 PM Post #28 |
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An aborigine is visiting friends in the US and they invite him out on a bear hunt. they all turn up at a cabin in the mountains armed to the teeth except for the aborigine who turns up barefoot with just his boomerang for a weapon. While the yanks are arguing about the best way to track and shoot a grizzly, the aborigine slips out of the cabin and disapears into the woods. 4 hours later the yanks are starting to get worried and are just about to go looking for him when they hear a voice screaming open THE F**KING DOOR. they look out the window and see the aborigine running for his life, been chased by a very p*ssed off grizzly with a huge lump on it's forehead. as they reach the cabin door the Aborigine steps to one side and the bear shoots past and into the cabin. The aborigine slams the door shut behind it and shouts through the window. You fella's skin that one & i'll go get us another. 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | May 29 2006, 06:37 AM Post #29 |
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Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out." - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolis. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city." The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet. I'm still working out the bugs." says the inventor. "Look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far." finishes Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand - it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a cheque book. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget the batteries!" 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| dogdragon | May 31 2006, 11:37 PM Post #30 |
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Why don't sharks ever eat solicitors???? Profesional courtesy. |
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