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| Joke of the day....; Life support | |
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| Topic Started: Mar 8 2006, 05:06 PM (12,700 Views) | |
| Z1-Wizz | Jan 23 2007, 10:07 PM Post #76 |
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and went downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes I do," she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have got out today."
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Mar 2 2007, 05:53 PM Post #77 |
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DON'T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM! . HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Beer in one hand - Kebab in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : Woo Hoo, what a ride!
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Mar 14 2007, 05:42 PM Post #78 |
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# A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: # "I'll have a brandy........................................... # .................................................. ............ # .................................................. ............ # .................................................. ............ # .................................................. ............ # .................................................. ............ # ..........and coke." # The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?" # The bear responds: "I dunno. I've always had them." 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Spanner | Mar 22 2007, 08:12 PM Post #79 |
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lol, sad but funny 
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| Z1-Wizz | May 4 2007, 06:00 PM Post #80 |
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"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think About the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes And dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out Of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their Dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're Going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "24 hours in a day, ! 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, We fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all Get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the History of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the Wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does Not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ! ~ Dave Howell  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | May 22 2007, 09:00 PM Post #81 |
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A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in A normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" (I just love this) " Archie , for the FIFTH F***in' time, CHICKEN!" 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | May 31 2007, 06:17 PM Post #82 |
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This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box & decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down to The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box:........... "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f*****g shoes on!!!! |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Jun 13 2007, 04:01 PM Post #83 |
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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"  Some people just don't listen!!!! |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Jun 14 2007, 08:18 PM Post #84 |
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A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help. The right thing to do would be to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing." 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Metal Ken | Apr 18 2008, 09:22 PM Post #85 |
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A guy who lives in a suburb of america is mowing his lawn, He see his beutiful sexy blonde neighbour come out and check her mail box, it's emty and she goes back inside, Five minutes later she comes out agian and checks her mail, it's still empty so she storms back in, Again five minutes later she comes outside checks the mail box it's still empty she starts swearing and is really frustrated, so the man asks, whats the matter, are you waiting for something important, 'no' she says my computers keeps on saying 'you have got mail' |
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| Metal Ken | Jun 17 2008, 09:20 PM Post #86 |
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Why did the baker have smelly hands...................................................................................................................................................Because he kneeded a Poo!!  |
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| Metal Ken | Jun 17 2008, 09:21 PM Post #87 |
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Bill gates dies and goes to heven, he gets a big house and a nice car from st. peter, a couple of weeks later he is walking about heaven meeting new people, then he see's a man with the best suit he had ever seen, so he askes him 'where did you get that suit', - I got a hundred of them when i came here, along with a mansion and a garage full of cars and bikes, - wow how did you get all that stuff and who are you, - I'm the captian of the Titanic, Really angry with this he goes to st.Peter -how come that guy gets all those fancy things, i'm the inventor of windows operating system to which st. Peter replied - Well the titanic only crashed once |
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| patty | Mar 30 2009, 02:36 AM Post #88 |
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. |
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| Mick1958 | Mar 8 2011, 07:56 PM Post #89 |
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.." |
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| owdbiker | Apr 23 2011, 11:28 PM Post #90 |
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Two chaps talking in a bar during the days of the British Raj in India,"I say,have you heard about young Curruthers?" ''No,what's the randy young devil been up to now?" "Well rumour has it that he's living in sin with a monkey." '"Good Heavens-male or female?" "Female of course,nothing strange about old Curruthers!" |
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