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| Thats Life.... | |
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| Topic Started: Jun 7 2006, 04:32 PM (8,853 Views) | |
| Z1-Wizz | Aug 16 2007, 08:35 PM Post #61 |
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Glasgow Rangers manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland. Two weeks later the 'Gers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me." " Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time." The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry." "Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!"  |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Aug 24 2007, 06:14 PM Post #62 |
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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.  |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Sep 1 2007, 09:29 PM Post #63 |
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Priceless -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fred had had a headache for many years . He finally made a doctor's appointment. Results as follows. The doctor said, "Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches.The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Fred was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need...a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."Fred laughed. That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Fred tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Fred admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Fred thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Fred and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Fred was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Son, I've been in the business 60 years". Fred tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Fred thought for a moment and said, "Sure. "The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36." Fred laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 32 since I was 18 years old. The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A size 32 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache. Suit - £400 New shirt - £36 New underwear - £6 Second Opinion - PRICELESS....  |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Oct 12 2007, 07:57 PM Post #64 |
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The other night my wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we’re laying in bed. I looked over at her and, in my sexiest voice, asked her “Wanna have sex?” “No.” She answered. I said, “Is that your final answer?” “Yes.” She replied. So I said, “I’d like to phone a friend.” That’s the last thing I remember…. |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| rayjo636 | Oct 12 2007, 11:05 PM Post #65 |
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I"M SORRY.......DID I BREAK YOUR CONCENTRATION? 2006 zx-6r | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Oct 13 2007, 07:50 PM Post #66 |
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A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.” The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!” She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?” “Denise.” “Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?” “Denephew..... |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| higgsy | Jan 9 2008, 09:17 AM Post #67 |
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Daddy Longlegs A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. “Daddy, what are these two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top?” she asked. “That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered. “So, the other one is Mummy Longlegs?” the little girl asked. As his heart soared with joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied “No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.” The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. “Well, we’re not having any of that gay sh*t in our garden” she said. |
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| Z1-Wizz | Jan 24 2008, 09:48 PM Post #68 |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | May 2 2010, 10:29 PM Post #69 |
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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