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| Decoding dictionary; Dating guide for men and women | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Aug 3 2006, 12:04 AM (487 Views) | |
| Wizz | Aug 3 2006, 12:04 AM Post #1 |
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DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS: 40-ish: 49 Adventurous: Slept with everyone. Athletic: No breasts. Average looking: Mooooooo. Beautiful: Pathological liar. Emotionally secure: On medication. Feminist: Fat. Free spirit: Junkie. Friendship first: Reformed slapper. New-Age: Body hair in the wrong places. Old-fashioned: No BJs. Open-minded: Desperate. Outgoing: Loud and Embarrassing. Professional: B*tch. Voluptuous: Very Fat. Large frame: Hugely Fat. Wants soul mate: Stalker. WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH: 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you. 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you. 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you. 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you. 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S PERSONAL ADS 40-ish: 59. Adventurous: Slept with everything (including the neighbours dog and my ex wife's shower cap). Athletic: I spend three hours a day in front of mirror flexing my non biceps and twitching my boob 'pecks' along to various Tom Jones tunes. Average looking: Danni Divito's body with Woody Allan's face. Handsome: Personal ad was written by his mother. Emotionally secure: Still married. In favour of woman's rights: Pathological liar. Free spirit: Open relationships wanted. Friendship first: Small penis. New-Age: I'll try anything. Old-fashioned: Male chauvinistic pig. Open-minded: Any age/any sex. Outgoing: I will talk/drink/shag anyone under the table. Professional: Toff. Cuddly: Beer belly/'high hips'. Large frame: Bed bound. Wants soul mate: Middle aged virgin. WOMAN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = Yes (unless the question was, 'are you okay?' when the answer 'Yes' would mean, 'yes I was ok but now you have had to ask me I am not ok anymore') 2. No = No (unless the question was related to food in which case the answer would mean 'no I don't want to appear greedy so I will just take from your plate'). 3. Maybe = No (unless you have a good bargaining tool). 4. We need = You need... and I can't believe you haven't mentioned it yet. 5. I am sorry = (followed by) but it's over. 6. We need to talk = Turn off the tv and face me now, at least appear to be listening. 7. Sure, go ahead = If you're ready for the consequences. 8. Do what you want = If you're prepared to do it without me. 9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Now I know how good it can be I will expect this every time. MEN'S ENGLISH: 1. I am hungry = Make me dinner. 2. I am sleepy = Go on top. 3. I am tired = So I can't do anything for myself. 4. Nice dress = Response to, 'does my bum look big in this?' 5. I love you = Thank you for cooking/cleaning/ironing/generally taking over from my mother. 6. I am bored = Can we stop talking about sex and start doing it? 7. May I have this dance? = May I press myself up against you in an attempt to seem manly but really I am so lonely I need to get off any way I can? 8. Can I call you sometime? = Do you have a muscle bound husband who is likely to beat me with a hammer if I call you? 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I am bored with your constant conversation, lets go somewhere it is actually frowned upon to talk. 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = How about a Burger King? 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I have a death wish and I am looking for the easy road to hell. |
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2:39 PM Jul 11
